From Issue 2.1 - September 1995
A Translator's Guide
When he says: Hi. He means: I have this fantasy -- wanna hear about it? When she says: Hi. She means: I've had friends for ten years and not known their sex fantasies. Make a little conversation first, willya?
When he says: I'm a True Master. He means: Wash my dishes, fold my socks, blow me, and sleep in the corner. When she says: I'm a True Slave. She means: Put an immensely flattering collar on me, tie me up, make me come at least eighteen times, and buy me dinner afterwards.
When he says: I only want to serve you, Mistress. He means: I want to dust your knick-knacks in five-inch heels, then have you find a speck of dust, spank me until your arm is sore and butt-fuck me until I come. This will teach me my place. When she says: You are unworthy of my attention, Slave. No orgasm for you tonight. She means: My boss yelled at me today, I'm premenstrual and I wouldn't fuck you if you were Patrick Stewart.
When he says: I want to be your perfect servant 24 hours a day, seven days a week. He means: Except during the game. When she says: I am completely yours. You could do anything with me right now. She means: Except cut my hair or make me wear something that makes me look silly.
When he says: I love having my cock and balls tortured. He means: ...And as long as you're down there... When she says: I love to be whipped until I'm willing to do anything. She means: I'm willing to do anything, but thanks for the swell whipping.
When he says: When I top you, the only thing that's important to me is your pleasure. He means: You do come from giving head, right? When she says: I went pro because I'm a born dominant. She means: I went pro because I got fired from my last four jobs for being bossy and impossible to work with.
When he says: Extreme pain is a spiritual experience for me. He means: It's so hard to find really good psychedelics these days. When she says: No lowly male is worthy to approach this sacred portal. She means: I'm so fucking horny, I'm about ready to die.
When he says: Mistress, Your beauty, Your aura of command, are so complete, so all-encompassing... You are my entire world... i am Yours to use or abuse at your pleasure... i am lowlier than the lint on Your carpet... let me be Your dog, Your worm, Your footstool... put me to work at the foulest and most demeaning of tasks... i will do anything at all to be allowed in the presence of my Goddess. He means: Do me.
When she says: Master, i have never known such satisfaction, such a feeling of rightness... all of me is Yours to use in any way You see fit... any time i am not wearing Your collar, i feel lost... my mouth, my cunt, my asshole, my breasts, all are Yours to do with as You wish... i will serve You until the day i die. She means: Do me. Please.