From Issue 2.5 - March/April 1996


And The Winner Is...
Leather Title Contests Exposed

Dear Readers:

As we hope you have noticed, we at Cuir Underground value the pursuit of truth above all other journalistic endeavors -- and that includes getting laid. Recognizing this, we also understood that you, discerning readers, would expect to find in our pages nothing less than a complete inquiry into the exotic demimonde of leather title contests. Cuir Underground has, therefore, gone to great expense (and considerable personal risk to our correspondents) to obtain the documents that make up this report.

These secret and fanatically guarded materials were made available to us by a highly placed source who cannot be named. In fact, the danger to which public knowledge of his identity would expose him -- we have no doubt, for example, that he would find himself permanently banned from SF Eagle Beer Busts -- has made protecting his identity essential. Although the documents released to us run to several hundred pages, space constraints make it possible for us to reprint only two of the most revealing. Nonetheless, we believe that even these glimpses go a long way toward exposing the truth about a world you were never meant to visit.

Document No. 124

MEMO TO NATIONAL AND REGIONAL CONTEST ORGANIZERS
FROM: XXXXXX
RE: Revised Scoring Regulations

It has come to the attention of contest organizers across the U.S. that certain members of the public believe that title contest scoring is arbitrary and that contest winners are chosen on the basis of meaningless criteria. In an effort to combat these misapprehensions, we have adopted the following rigorous and scientific methods for determining winners. These regulations are now in effect and are mandatory for all contests officially sanctioned by the International Leather Eagle Daddy Drummer Mr. Man Association.

Baseline Criteria The object of the new scoring system is to obtain the lowest score possible; in fact, the contestant who comes closest to being a complete zero wins. In order to obtain a baseline figure for each contestant, the following formula is applied:

Dick Size (in centimeters) x I.Q. + Age

Ideally, this calculation will result in a number in the 2000-3000 range.

Initial Qualifications

The following criteria are next applied (remember: the lowest score wins):

• White (or, at least, passes) subtract 10 points
• Black, but can play Mandingo subtract 8 points
• Willing to pretend to be a Top for an entire year subtract 8 points
• For each judge with whom the contestant has had sex subtract 2 points
• For each "Daddy's Boy" entrant with whom the contestant has not had sex add 4 points
• For each local bartender with whom contestant is on a first-name basis subtract 3 points
• Contestant holds a white-collar job subtract 4 points
• Contestant is a registered Republican subtract 6 points
• Knows all the words to "What I Did For Love" add 6 points
• Contestant is a gym member subtract 4 points
• Contestant owns a Rotweiller subtract 3 points
• Has named it "Marilyn" add 4 points
• Unlikely to have embarrassing political opinions subtract 3 points
• Unlikely to have any political opinions at all subtract 4 points
• Contestant has actually engaged in SM subtract 10 points
• Does not now, and has not ever, possessed an XX chromosome subtract 4 points

Speech

For each use of the following words or phrases in the contestant's speech before the judges and audience, subtract 2 points:

• Unity
• Leather Lifestyle
• Diversity
• Positive Image
• Old Guard
• Leadership
• Community Service
• Oppressed (and/or Stigmatized)
• John Preston

Fantasy

• Can swing a flogger without looking like a sissy subtract 6 points
• Can say "Come here, boy" without attracting giggles from the audience subtract 5 points
• For each $100 that contestant's leather cost subtract 3 points
• Fantasy is scored to disco music subtract 2 points
• For each of the following props: cowboy hat, leather arm band, handcuffs, cigar subtract 2 points
• Contestant appears in a jock strap subtract 3 points
• Jock strap worn as headgear add 6 points
• Fantasy involves blood, food, Nazis, or women add 8 points (each)
• Contestant appears in fantasy as bottom -- immediate disqualification

Tie Breaker

In the event of a tie, judges may award points in any of the following categories:

• Reminds judge of ex-lover subtract (or add) 3 points
• Judge has never heard contestant utter the words "Well, get her!" subtract 3 points
• Contestant has already promised to let judge tape all his Renata Scotto albums subtract 4 points.

The importance of the new title holder's first week in office cannot be overemphasized, as it is during this period that members of the community will form early (and lasting) impressions. Although the regimen is grueling, experience teaches that a good foundation is the best preparation for the many duties the contest winner will be expected to carry out. The following mandatory activities have been scheduled as of this writing; others will be added as they are finalized.

MONDAY AFTER CONTEST

11:00am: Evaluation by Image Committee to determine which of the acceptable leather-community niches the title holder fits into: Daddy, Bear, Leather Hunk, or Generic Butch. Wardrobe consultation to follow with Eddy "Betsy Ross" Caetano.

2:00pm: Study Module A

Reading: So You're A Title Holder! Now That You're "In" in the Leather Community, How to Relate to All the Unfortunate People Who Aren't.

Activity: View Guy Baldwin video course for new contest winners, Part I: Don't Play Like That in Public! Someone Might See You! Part II: Psychobabble for Tops.

4:00pm: Private Session with new personal trainer.

4:45pm: Actually begin workout.

8:00pm: Public Appearance, Sphincter's Bar Leather 'n Levis night (with lover).

TUESDAY

10:30am: Conference call with representatives of Titan, Falcon, Catalina, and Zeus to discuss ways title holder can increase leather pride by appearing in porno movies.

2:00pm: Study Module B

Reading: Saloon Society: How to Spend All Your Time in Bars and Still Say You're Serving the Community and Respect: How to Recognize It, How to Win It, How to Whine About Not Getting Enough.

4:30pm: Courtesy calls on local leather columnists. (Suggested gift: gin or Scotch)

7:00pm: Cocktail reception with former title holders. The outgoing title holder has been asked to make a few informal remarks on the importance of mutual support and fraternity within the leather community. The unconfirmed title of his talk is "If That One's a Top, I'm Sally Struthers!"

WEDNESDAY

3:00pm: Appointment with Mr. Harold of the Smooth Sailing Electrolysis Clinic.

5:00pm: Photo shoot (with whichever local photographer is not currently feuding with contest organizers). NB: Title holder must carefully review contract before signing, particularly the clause which states that title holder's image may continue to be used to advertise 900 numbers in perpetuity, regardless of whether title holder is actually still alive.

9:30pm: Sex club tour: House of the Load 'o Bull, Frantic Cruising Buddies, Pathos.

THURSDAY

2:00pm: Study Module C

Reading: 10 Steps to Perkier Nipples, Rubber: It's Not Just for the English Anymore, and pamphlets published by the Tavern Guild, "Tips for Judging Wet Jockey Shorts Contests," and "How to Turn a Piss Party into an AIDS Benefit."

Activity: Color Consultation with Lars (that's all, just Lars).

4:30pm: Private Session with masseur.

5:15pm: Begin actual massage.

FRIDAY

8:30am: Breakfast Club meeting with Chris Bowman and other members of the Log Cabin Club. (Scheduled topic: "How the Leather Community Will Benefit from a Buchanan Presidency").

2:00pm: Study Module D

Reading: Bar Etiquette: How to Hold Court While Sitting on a Case of Beer.

Activity: Attitude adjustment with Mr. Rock Manly of Butch It Up Academy.

10:00pm: Public Appearance, Big Hairy Guys Club (with new lover).

Please send dilemmas you would like to see addressed in future issues to dadesade@sirius.com.